Lots of Jokes

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide &

seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find

himself?

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Emergency landing

A helicopter lost power while flying over a remote

Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency

landing.

Luckily there was a small cottage nearby.

The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman

who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.

"No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but

we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

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Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?

A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

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Father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful

blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather

taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her

from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of

one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever

been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you

the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the

pool table with all my buddies watching, while your

partner spanked my ass with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your

son's math teacher."

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Businessman

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend

to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had

nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his

round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport

he could get himself home. He went out to the front of

the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and

explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to

send the driver money from home, he offered him his

credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his

address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt

appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,

get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport

and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year

later the businessman, having worked long and hard to

regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and

this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself,

he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride

back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there,

at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who

had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his

luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he

could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he

hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in

the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the

long line and asked the same questions, with the same

result. When he got to his old friend at the back of

the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to

the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as

they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the busin-

essman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each

driver.

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Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have

in common?

A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.