time to laugh

Ohhh some one had parked their bike and forgot i think

Lots of Jokes....

Joke # 1

Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?

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Joke # 2

Helpdesk

A customer couldn't get on the internet.

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

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Joke # 3

Q: What is worse than being a bachelor?

A: Being a Bachelor's son

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Joke # 4

Sit on lap

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?"

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandpa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're all going to Disney world!"

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Joke # 5

Route 66

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself.

Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! A rattler bit my cock!"

"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, calls a doctor and asks what he should do.

"Well," said the doc, "you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison."

"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.

"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

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Joke # 6

Ice-cream

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop.

The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and

Says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady helping them says, "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

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Joke # 7

Q: Who made the first soft drink?

A: Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop

A Few Brain Teasers

Try answering these simple questions:

1. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
8. How far can a dog run into the woods?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
15. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow’s sister?

Now here are the answers:

1. All 12 have 28 days
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. Light the match first.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So… half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, …
7. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses
8. Halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.
9. The time/month/date/ year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. 70
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
13. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)
14. 9 sheep
15. No. You can’t marry someone if you’re dead!

Lots of Jokes

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide &

seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find

himself?

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Emergency landing

A helicopter lost power while flying over a remote

Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency

landing.

Luckily there was a small cottage nearby.

The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman

who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.

"No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but

we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

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Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?

A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

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Father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful

blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather

taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her

from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of

one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever

been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you

the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the

pool table with all my buddies watching, while your

partner spanked my ass with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your

son's math teacher."

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Businessman

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend

to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had

nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his

round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport

he could get himself home. He went out to the front of

the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and

explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to

send the driver money from home, he offered him his

credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his

address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt

appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,

get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport

and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year

later the businessman, having worked long and hard to

regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and

this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself,

he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride

back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there,

at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who

had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his

luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he

could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he

hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in

the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the

long line and asked the same questions, with the same

result. When he got to his old friend at the back of

the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to

the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as

they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the busin-

essman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each

driver.

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Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have

in common?

A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

ILLUSION PAINTINGS !!!!!!!!

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